AhNa: 2016

Nature, my long time lover.

6:47 PMAlaina

"always not worse enough, never good enough" - facing my darkest fears

12:20 AMAlaina

Adulting is hard, but it shouldn't be as hard as you make it look..

I am 25, and I have wholeheartedly, genuinely decided to no longer take shyt from negative people who only knows how to bring people down. I have had enough!

SHYT! I never expected you to give praises, to give appreciations, nor to at least be somewhat encouraging, but hell, you don't need to come right at my face doubting everything I do, I say, I aspire to be or even my existence?? Only Lord knows what else you doubt about. I know/still have this friend who counter reacts to literally almost everything you would say, she always has her own "theories" of going about things, and at times she believes in her "theories" so much that she actually believes they are "facts" and so she won't listen to anybody who tells her otherwise.... as a result, she doubts.. everything anyone says.. While it was never a personal attack, it still hinders our friendship so much, at least at my end. It is only in the recent years where things started changing between us.. I find it hard to be close friends with those who doubt too much, who argue too much, who doesn't give you a chance to speak your mind without spitting something right back at it. I really have no fcking energy to deal with this toxicity anymore, fcking tired of it!

Likewise, my father has never been the encouraging kind either. He never gave praises, which I don't mind since I never expected it. But growing up, he used to tell my brother and I if we could be any worse at doing things. Whenever we made a mistake and are already feeling so shitty about what we've done, he would always bring us down to the next level. Such as yelling at us saying you guys can never do anything right...always tend to spit out discouraging words that killed my confidence growing up. I can understand that he probably didn't mean to, it's just his ways of telling us to do better next time around. But as a child, it affected me so so much. I've always been the quite one in school, was always afraid of speaking up because I was afraid of being wrong, of being let down or letting others down. And ever since then, I started to believe what everyone else said about me was true, that I was never doing good enough, no matter how hard I tried....and I mean, he still does it in his own ways, but as a fcking adult, I know better of taking in the goods and learn to ignore the parasitic noises around me. I don't know if this is some kind of Chinese ideology or have you, we always tend to only do things that are expected, that are somewhat guaranteed (like only having the option of working 9-5 with a paycheck that's expected every two weeks..) I hate it so much now that I just can't and won't take it any longer.

The demons in my head are undoubtedly being fed by the doubtful words I heard around me, and it is when I start to believe in them that I start to doubt myself, the things I do, and the things I say. I used to think that if even the people around me doubt my capabilities, then I must not be capable. There are many things that I want myself to be capable of doing in life, but because of self doubts, I was never courageous enough to start doing what I really want to do in life...I would always doubt - what similar talents do you have in order to be ____, what similar skills do you have in order to be ____, or who do you know that can be a lending hand to you to become ______... But then slowly, as I start to view myself in a different/much brighter light and not of the deem light that people have shone on me for way tooo long. I realized that, no, I don't need to be similar, I don't need to have what others have "in order" to be... to be ME.. There is no "in order" in life, not one person's life is in order with another's. Being me is enough and is capable of doing what I want to do in life, being ME is enough to get to where I want to be in life, and this being ME is MORE THAN ENOUGH. If you feel like I am not enough for you? or that I am the small potato that should be doubted with everything I do/say, then fcking get the FUCK out of my life cuz I will be living the life I call MINE. ADIOS FELISHA!

PS: This is not a post on blaming anyone, or on what anyone have ever done to me. This is about me confronting to one of my deepest fears and getting the destructing voices out of my head, so that I can move on, everyone else can also move on...

yours truly,

(btw, I did shed some tears writing this, I mean.. it only made sense to)

alaina*

be kind & be loved

10/9/16 broke goeson

I think he's g@y tho.....

2:46 AMAlaina

About My Crush at Work

4:03 AMAlaina

I think am "crushing" on someone.. wait, it's more than that

4:02 AMAlaina

Nothing but anxious

10:03 PMAlaina

7/2/16 growing up thoughts

I'VE HAD A FAIRE SHARE OF.....

3:14 AMAlaina

Umm.. well, I re-visited my last post of which I wrote in the whee hours on a Saturday morning, it came out quite...bitchy, seriously. Gosh, I've always been known as grumpy in the mornings but never thought I could be so negative and bitchy, I guess I am on a "new high" now?

Today's topic begins with I'VE HAD A FAIR SHARE OF...heartbreaks? Why am I talking about "heartbreaks" when in reality, I've never been in a relationship before? <------- This could be one of the most honest truths that I am putting out there, you got to remember this date - JUNE 28 2016- this 25 year-old woman who's writing this post have NEVER been in a relationship.

What happened, you may be wondering? What happened in my teen years....my early adult years? Ohhh boy, I am just as curious to know as you are, if I could go back in time, I would have asked my younger self the same old question that I've been asking my growing up self for years.. and years. And the answer? - life happens.

I often fantasize about the wonderful things that I could have experienced with someone had I been in a relationship. There is no doubt that there are things people tend to do more of when they are in a relationship - eating out more, watching more movies, adventuring to more places.. etc (like I would know..haha)

I have always been a shy and quite introvert, and on top of that, I had a really bad self-image growing up. I felt alone, I felt like I was everything that everyone else was not. First, I was very insecure about my acne-exploded face, then it was my body. (I guess everyone goes through these stages of doubt and insecurity in life, but mine just happened to be on the more extreme end) I've lived with acne for more than half of my life now, living with acne-prone skin doesn't get less time consuming, the pain doesn't get less severe, and the treatment only takes longer. However, I've learned to put a brighter perspective on this both external & internal struggle, I've learned to suppress the insecurity I get from not having a flawless face, I've accepted the fact that I am HUMAN after all.

The same goes with my struggle with body-image. I am virtually FLAT- you don't need a Samsung virtual reality headset to see this, TRUUSt me. It's pretty obvious when I don't try to hide this insecurity of mine, of which I am doing less and less nowadays. You can say that I've learned to "turn an blind eye" on how people might judge me, think of me. The truth is, people judge anything - good or bad, even when you are showing the you that nature has created. So let them be, let yourself be-- free.

Insecurities did undoubtedly killed a lot of my confidence growing, which included the confidence I could have used to confess to my crush/es. I might have missed out on that pure, innocent love of high schoolers. But growing up insecured allowed me to be stronger, because it took that much more courage to stand up for myself, for my beliefs and values. Being able to stand strong and still in solitude isn't easy, but I believe I got to learn more about myself than I otherwise would have when in a relationship.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you've got to learn how to take life easy, yet, meaningful and happy. :) We are all in this together, you are never alone.

Lastly, I want to leave this for you: